I Gotta Blog About This...

Goodbye, Arnold Jackson

2010-05-28T11:50:00.000-07:00

Provo, Utah--Pint sized actor Gary Coleman, 42, died today after suffering an intracranial hemorrhage earlier this week. Apparently, Coleman fell down and bumped his miniature head creating big problems. He was taken off life support by his gigantic ginger wife, who's hoping to cash in on those massive Diff'rent Strokes residual royalty checks. Upon pulling the plug Coleman's wife, Shannon Price, 22, said, "Ca-CHING!"

Condolences have been pouring in from saddened fans. For example, Tim Gilligan, 38, was shocked to hear the news, "I didn't know he was still alive. That sucks." Another Coleman fan, Anne Barge, 31, tells us, "He was an angry little prick, huh? God...this is really going to ruin my f**king Memorial Day weekend. I'm going to have to hear "what'choo talkin' bout, Willis" the entire time. Thanks a lot, a**hole. You couldn't have waited to pull the plug until Monday??"

It's also being said that when Coleman fluttered up to heaven to meet Jebus, Michael Jackson was on hand to greet him saying, "S**T! I thought you were Emmanuel Lewis!"

Someone Get Chris Hansen on the Phone, STAT!

2010-05-15T20:38:00.000-07:00

Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I just watched Twilight with a brand new set of eyes.

First of all, what the hell am I doing watching this movie (at 10:30 on a Saturday night)? I read the book, it was good...whatever, I digress...

Anyway, so I'm watching the movie and it hits me. This is not some epic tale of eternal teenage vampire love, this guy is a god damned pedophile! Edward Cullen is a sexual predator of the worst kind.

In the book Edward was born in 1901 and was turned into a vamp (that's what the cool kids call them) in 1918. I'm no mathematician, but by my calculations this sick f**k would be roughly 109 today. No matter how you do the math, this creepy old vampire is preying on a 16-year-old girl. 16!!! That is illegal and quite frankly I am appalled.

Shame on you, Stephanie Meyer. He may have the physical body of a 17-year-old, but he is anything but. He's a sinister old man creeping on high school kids that don't know any better. This guy is putting Lawrence Taylor to shame and I'm disgusted.

That being said, I can't wait for Eclipse to come out.

Quitting Smoking Sucks: A Perspective

2010-05-14T16:09:00.000-07:00

This is exactly how I feel right now. I feel like Jack Black in "Tropic Thunder" and I need some f**cking jelly beans.

Ladies and gentlemen...I quit smoking.

Now before you go congratulating the s**t out of me (because I f**king deserve it), it's only been four days. Four long motherf**cking days. I thought the first two or three would be the worst, but I was w-r-o-n-g. It keeps getting worse. This is really hard and with every passing day, every passing moment, it's getting harder and harder.

In the beginning of the day when I wake up at the crack of noon, everything is peachy. I'm all, "Phh...this is easy peasy. I can do it." A few hours go by and then all of a sudden there isn't enough nicotine gum in the world. By the time 5:30 PM rolls by I start to understand what it's like to be one of the bums you see rooting through the garbage to find a half smoked cigarette butt. I'm not proud to admit that, but holy crap this is rough.

Ya know, this is really f**cked up. When I quit eating Cheetos because 1) the bag was empty, and 2) because Britney Spears made eating Cheetos too glamorous for the likes of me, I didn't feel the urge to strangle Chester Cheetah. If the Marlboro Man was right here, right now, I'd punch him in the f**cking face. Quitting smoking is making me feel rage course through my brain and veins. Murderous rage. WTF?!?!?!?

Add to that the fact that I picked the WRONG f-ing week to quit smoking, the week of some serious PMS (f**k off, I don't give a s**t what you think) and we've got ourselves an explosive powder keg of a situation right here. I'm liable to snap at any moment, and, often do.

WHAT THE F**K ARE YOU LOOKING AT?!?!?!?

Whoa....sorry.

Jebus, help me.

Besides lashing out at everyone around me for no particular reason whatsoever, does anyone have any other tips for quitting that make it easier? Anyone know a good lobotomist?

Quitting smoking sucks. Kids...don't put yourselves in this position.

By the FUCKING way?!?!? GOOGLE BLOGGER SUCKS ASS. NO MATTER WHAT I DO, I CAN NOT SEPARATE PARAGRAPHS. THEY ALL MUSH UP TOGETHER. THIS SHIT BETTER WORK. I GIVE UP.

"Paparazzi"

2010-05-12T11:37:00.000-07:00

F**k you, Justin Bieber.

Joliet OTB Runs out of Beer

2010-05-01T14:31:00.000-07:00

JOLIET, IL--Degenerate gamblers in Joliet were enraged momentarily upon learning Bookie Magee's Hideaway and OTB ran out of Busch Light, the mint julep of Joliet, mere hours before the Kentucky Derby.

On off track betting's single most important day, the news came as a total shock to Jim Bilkowski, 53, OTB regular and Busch Light enthusiast, "Out of Busch Light?? Really?! Ahh, hell, make it a Coors."

Bookie Magee's bartender/senior sanitation specialist Mark Snyder, 32, offered an explanation for the shortage of the sweet nectar, "Yeah, there was a bar fight last night. We keep the Busch Light in cooler with the closest access to the patrons for such inevitable occasions. They grab bottles of whatever's closest, smash 'em on the bar and do some stabbing. Happens 'bout twice a week, I'd say."

Also adding to the scarcity of Busch Light was former Stateville Correctional Center inmate Harvey Reynolds, 38, who was released Friday from the Joliet prison after serving 12 years for attempted murder. Immediately after being released Reynolds headed straight to his old haunt to "kick it" with his old pal "Snakes" and "score some blow."

After 17 Busch Lights, 38 minutes, and 9 failed advances toward pregnant Bookie's waitress Amber, Reynolds' behavior became increasingly erratic. According to witnesses, Reynolds and "Snakes" got into a verbal altercation that lead to fisticuffs and broken Busch Light bottles all over the fine establishment's peanut shell covered floor. Reynolds was arrested, did not pass go, and was sent right back to jail.

Bookie Magee's is not lacking in the skunky beer department says Snyder, "We've got cans of Hamm's, too. It pairs really well with our Des Plaines River Stinkfish Sandwich."

The Unemployment Chronicles

2010-04-30T14:02:00.000-07:00

CHICAGO, IL--According to the U.S. Department of Labor Statistics March 2010 report, 10.2% of eligible workers are unemployed in the United States. We sat down with one of the recently unemployed to find out what the experience of unemployment has been so far.

South Loop resident Kate, 18 plus an entire Bush administration (W., not H.W.), was recently laid off from her job as a Program Manager from a local non-profit. We asked Kate how she felt once she heard the news.

"My first thought was 'bummer.' I'd seen it coming - the company had been steadily laying off employees since I started there, but I was pretty comfortable in my job. I didn't want to have to look for another one. It's kind of a pain in the ass," Kate confided. Having been laid off for two weeks now, she went on to say, "It could have been worse. It could be October."

Knowing there are over 10 million unemployed people looking for jobs at the moment hasn't deterred Kate much. She exudes confidence, a positive attitude, has a sweet leather jacket perfect for spring time, is remarkably witty, has a pert rack, and is incredibly modest. When asked what she'd like to do with her career now that she's laid off Kate said, "Well, that's a good question. I feel like the possibilities are endless. This is a time in my life where I can, I don't know, chase my dreams!" She continued, "I would really love to have a job where I can be funny. That's going to be a challenge though because I'm not...ya know, funny."

Her brother Shane, 28, who works at the Chicago Board of Trade, has expressed concern for his sister's future. Lauding himself as a 'funny dude,' Kate reached out to him for a few pointers. His response, "Oooohhhh...I don't know if I have time to teach you how to be funny."

Still, she is keeping her options open. "Since being laid off I've been jamming to a lot of tunes. I've gotten really good at the whistling solo in 'Me and Julio Down by the School Yard.' If I can parlay that into some kind of career, I could make some serious bank."

Other areas of expertise since being laid off may also work to her benefit. "I've been meeting a lot of people for lunch lately and, I have to say, I'm pretty good at it. 1) I've got a lot of free time on my hands. Meeting for lunch is easy. 2) I really like to eat lunch. It breaks the day up, gives me something to do...there are probably a lot of lonely people out there who have no one to go to lunch with...uhh, hello! ME!! and 3) I'm a master at pointless conversation. You ever have one of those awkward conversational silences? Not me! I've been watching a lot of TV - awesome conversation filler. All you have to say is, 'Have you seen 16 and Pregnant?? Scandalous!' Then bam, before you know it you're waxing philosophical about socioeconomic conditions and pregnancy rates among poor, uneducated southerners (like there are any other kind). Classic Kate..."

In the short term, KAte is enjoying her time off and plotting her next career move. "For now I'm just trying to stay busy. Cooking, working out, playing with my dog. It's nice." Her plans for the future include, "Just riding it out, suckin' the government teat. I don't know, I'll figure it out eventually. I've got some time."

Tito's Triumphant Return

2010-04-26T12:59:00.000-07:00

Huntington Beach, CA--"Huntington Beach Bad Boy" Tito Ortiz, 35, made a triumphant return to mixed marshal arts today after TKO-ing retired porn star Jenna Jameson, 36, early this morning.

Marking quite possibly the first time Jameson has ever said "no," Ortiz cocked back all 205 lbs of his brawn and fury, then thrust his mighty fist into Jameson's face. Stunned and bleeding on the floor, Jameson's approximately 98 lb frame tapped out just after referees broke up the fight, signaling the first win for Ortiz since his 2006 UFC bout versus Ken Shamrock.

Jameson who, according to Ortiz, "had it coming," is the mother of a pair of twin 1-year-old boys with the UFC champ and has been nagging Ortiz constantly to "take out the trash," "flush the toilet when you're done," and "stop sitting around with your hands down your pants, then go in the kitchen and grab chips right out of the bag! How many times have I asked you, Tito? That's disgusting! Wash your f-ing hands for Christ sake!"

The fight was a culmination of months of tension on both parties as well as Jameson's inability to "LISTEN WHEN I'M F***ING TALKING TO YOU!" When asked for a quote after the legendary smack down Ortiz said, "Next time those eggs will be sunny side up, I can guarantee you that."

**Editor's Note: Tito Ortiz is a truly despicable person, and this is really not funny. What I wrote is funny (in a sick, demented way), but the real situation is disgusting and that piece of s**t should do the world a favor and kill himself. In all honesty, is this a surprise to anyone? A muscle bound (probably roided up) meat head wails on his much smaller, defenseless baby mama?? Color me f***ing shocked! I would have never guessed this was coming! Scumbag. Domestic violence is seriously wrong.**

NFL Draft Upset

2010-04-25T11:08:00.000-07:00

New York--In a surprising last minute pick, the Oakland Raiders announced late Saturday that they've drafted French born Academy Award winning film director Roman Polanski for the position of quarterback in the 2010 NFL Draft.

Polanski, 76, may be best known for avoiding sentencing on a 1977 sexual assault charge on a then 13-year-old girl after a photo shoot in Los Angeles, to which he plead guilty, then fled the United States. Polanski has successfully avoided extradition, but was arrested in September 2009 by Swiss police in relation to the ongoing case.

Raiders Owner and General Manager Al Davis had this to say about the Polanski decision, "Yes, we traded for Jason Campbell, but Polanski has some pretty impressive numbers and we're going to need a good back-up." Davis went on to say, "I mean s**t, this guy evaded police for over 40 years! If we can channel even a small percentage of those slimy elusive tendencies - and let's face it, the QB position requires a lot of ducking and dodging - then the Raiders will be a force to be reckoned with next season."

Putting to bed rumors that the Raiders might try and acquire fellow rapist QB Ben Roethlisberger, the pick surprised Raiders' kicker Sebastian Janikowski, "I'm surprised they'd pick a 76-year-old man to play quarterback. I mean, Big Ben is just as big a pederass, if not more so, and a hell of a lot younger. Polanski's got some miles on him. I have to say I was really surprised."

Janikowski insisted that the pool of possible rapists for the Raiders to choose from is far from shallow, "Why not go after Steven Seagal or even Vince the ShamWow guy? Both of them harness that disgusting, scab covered junk yard dog quality the Raiders love and are so well known for. I think it was a missed opportunity to overlook Seagal."

Not everyone was dissatisfied with Oakland's choice. Former Raiders linebacker Bill Romanowski expressed elation upon hearing of the surprise draft pick. Romanowski, aka 'Romocop,' was overjoyed saying, "YEEEEEEES! Polanksi is going to kill it out there. He's going to kill the players, he's going to rape their children, he's going to rape their grandchildren, he's going to tear off their helmets and collapse their eye sockets!!!! RAAAIIIDEEERRRRSSSSS!!!" When asked about Polanski's fragile, old man physique Romanowski offered help, "I've got a few ideas. Balco, for one. Worked for me. Or, he can always stick with the ludes. Whatever works."

Polanski is expected to be extradited back to the United States from Switzerland after California Superior Court Judge Peter Espinoza ruled this past January he must be returned for sentencing. Espinoza added, "I see this as very fitting punishment. Although Polanski is a stealthy assailant who's avoided sentencing for 40 plus years, we think drafting him to the NFL is going to work out for all parties involved. We already know he's a great runner, so that helps the Raiders to a point; however, he is an old man and defensive linemen are BIG. Now it will be Polanski who is gets pounded like a vulnerable 13-year-old girl. Justice will be served."

Polanski is expected to report to Raiders training camp in late July.

BREAKING NEWS: BRET MICHAELS RUSHED TO HOSPITAL

2010-04-23T15:03:00.000-07:00

BREAKING NEWS: BRET MICHAELS RUSHED TO THE HOSPITAL AFTER SUFFERING MASSIVE BRAIN HERPES OUTBREAK

Chicago -- Poison front man and all round stud Bret Michaels, 47, was rushed to an undisclosed hospital late last night for what doctors have called, "The most f***ed up case of herpes I've ever seen."

Michaels, most recently known for banging Jesse James' left over tattoo covered garbage on VH1's Rock of Love series, lived by the wise old saying, "Condoms are for sailors." Unfortunately, years of relentless, sweaty unprotected sex with back stage groupies, reality show contestants, strippers, waitresses, your mom, my mom, everyone's mom, and Paris Hilton have landed Michaels in a pretty hopeless situation.

"Oh, this guy is f***ed. It's...it's the worst thing I've ever seen. The herpes just started attacking the area around his brain stem," his longtime doctor, who prefers to remain anonymous, said today. "He was a stud. The guy just banged every woman with daddy issues within a 5 mile radius. It was like he had a magnet or metal detector, something," his doctor continued, "I told him to wrap it up, but he didn't listen. And then the Paris Hilton thing? It must have created some kind of nuclear reaction inside his genitals and then some sciency stuff happened, I don't really have time to get into it, but the herpes shot right up to his brain and it's just wreaking havoc. It's messed up."

Michaels is said to be under constant supervision in the undisclosed hospital's intensive care unit. An unidentified employee from the hospital, definitely not Bob Bishop who cleans the floors on floor 3, said "Holy s**t, did you know he's bald under that bandanna thing? It's a wig! S**t...he was my hero." Not Bob, who revealed he was the "f***ing biggest" Poison fan since his older kind of chola cousin Connie used to play 'Every Rose Has Its Thorn' on repeat while singing into the mirror, crying while babysitting him.

Someone who isn't Bishop went on, "It's hard to see him like this, but those doctors will take care of him. They're in there constantly. They're watching him real hard. I can't even get in there to wash the floors and get a piece of his pubic hair as a memento. Did I say pubic? I just meant hair, don't print that."

Our sources also tell us that as a sign of "wicked" respect, local strip club owner Jimmy Gallardo started sending his most voluptuous employees to stand topless outside Michaels' hospital room window. Gallardo went on, "It's called 'Boobs for Bret,' it's genius. A coup'la girls go out there for a coup'la hours and stand there just holdin' candles, ya know, with their t**s out."

Gallardo explained that "Boobs for Bret" wouldn't disrupt business as usual, "They take different shifts so we still have girls here at the Jug Hut at all times. In Bret's honor we're also going to be doin' a little somethin' called Jugs n' Tugs..whoa! hey! I'm jokiiin! C'mon by, we'll talk," he slimily remarked with a wink and quick patting of my ass.

Other businesses are also opting to join in honoring Michaels. West Loop tattoo shop "Regrets" announced they are now offering all Poison tattoos at half price. "Dude, Bret Michaels is a legend here. We can't believe this brain herpes stuff man. We totally thought if anything it's be the shared needles and diabetes," said shop manager Lizard. He proclaimed, "So to honor this personal hero of mine, this total chick magnet, anyone who comes in here and wants a Poison tattoo gets it for half off. You can beat the brain herpes, Bret!"

The story is still developing; however, Micheals' doctor remains pessimistic. "Look, I'm a doctor. I've seen some s**t. This is...unexplainable. His body is a toxic stew of STD's - some we thought were all but extinct. We're talking ancient STD's. He literally rocked out with his c**k out, and the ladies loved it. They really, really loved it. He's had this coming for a long time. It doesn't look good."

I ripped off dontevenreply.com

2009-12-27T16:13:00.000-08:00

Now if you're as internet savvy as I am, or if you have a hip young co-worker who has the ins on all the sweet websites out there, then I'm guessing you've heard of dontevenreply.com. It's hilarious, check it out.

For those of you who don't know what it is, the site says "This is a collection of e-mails I have sent to people who post classified ads. My goal is to mess with them, confuse them, and/or piss them off." Sounds pretty funny, right? Well it is. And it got me thinking...

I spent all day today trying to get tickets for Girl Talk on New Year's Eve. No one ever responds so I thought I'd take a page from dontevenreply and try a little humor to get a good response out of people. It worked. I didn't get the ticket to Girl Talk, but I did have fun trying. Below is my email exchange with a guy I tried to get a single ticket from. Enjoy.

Original Post:

I've got 1 general admission ticket for the Girl Talk show on New Years Eve at the Congress Theater. Looking for $95 (but willing to negotiate) Available for pick-up in Wrigleyville or we can discuss delivery on or after Tuesday, 12/29 (I'm currently out of town). This should be an AMAZING show- bummed I can't make it. Contact me NOW for the best chance at getting this HOT ticket!

Me:

Hi Friend!

I am interested in your Girl Talk ticket!

I am willing to barter. I have a beautiful sheepdog you can borrow for a few days. She gets a lot of attention from the ladies; however, it is pretty cold outside and since the ladies might be less interested in petting the dog and more interested in walking to warmth, as an added bonus, the dog is missing her front teeth and LOVES peanut butter. You win either way!

Ok, so maybe you just want money for the ticket. Fair enough. The dogs breath smells anyway, so I don't blame you. I am a big fan of Girl Talk, but NOT a big fan of rape. You don't like rape, do you new buddy?? I work very hard for my money and am willing to pay a fair price, but let's be reasonable here. I don't get the rape-y vibe from you, so I think we can work something out. With the dog, I'll pay you $50. Without the dog, I'll pay you $65.

I'm just trying to be a good friend. Hope to hear from you soon, new buddy!

Your anti-rape friend,

Kate

Ryan D to me:

Kate-As awkwardly hilarious as that response was, I'm afraid I cant go anylower than $85-- as that's how much I was forced into paying by a[recent] ex-girlfriend.

If you can go to $85, we can work it out- otherwise you and yourtoothless dog may have to look elsewhere.

Cheers,

Ryan

Me to Ryan D:

Hi Ryan,

Sorry about your girlfriend, man. She seems like a real bitch.

You sound lonely. Ya sure you don't want to re-negotiate? My dog is real friendly. And before you go jumping to conclusions, NO! IT WASN'T THE METH! She got her teeth knocked out by little kid with a metal bat. You don't have any metal bats around, do you? She really hates those. Hates em more than vaccuums. She only recently turned to drugs as a way to cope. I've tried to talk her out of it, but kids these days! They just don't listen! Ahh, she'll learn I guess.

Any chance that bitch ex-girlfriend of yours is trying to get rid of her ticket as well? I kinda need two. Tell you what. You sell me that ticket for $60 and send me a picture of your ex. I'll scope her out at the concert and punch her in the face for ya.

Deal?

Kate

Ryan D to me:

Haha- Sorry Kate. no-can-do. I'd like to help you out, but there areplenty of idiots out there willing to pay way too much for thesetickets.Hope you find some cheap ones.

Thanks,

Ryan

Me to Ryan D:

Ryan!

Look at you! You're not willing to compromise at all! I hate to say it, but I'm not surprised she broke up with you. I mean, really. Around Christmastime no less? You should do some soul searching, brother.

OK, look. Like I said, I have a toothless Old English Sheepdog. Let me tell you a little something about the breed. They are big, fluffy, and have incredibly warm mouths. If you close your eyes, you won't even know the difference. This is a deal you do NOT want to pass up.

Now maybe, just maybe, I can go up to $75. I won't even charge you for the dog. In fact, I'll let you test her out for a while - no cost to you.

Jebus, with how generous I'm being you should just GIVE me the ticket.

We got a deal or what?

Kate

Ryan D to me:

Haha I like you (and your dogs) enthusiasm but I've already sold it. good luck

Me to Ryan D:

Please sell me the ticket?

Ryan D to me:

Can you have the dog say 'ahh' and send another pic?

Me to Ryan D:

Ryan,

I assure you, I am not messing around. I can also send another picture showing you her irregularly large tongue.

This offer won't last long. Please reconsider!

Kate

Golf is Hard

2009-12-01T20:21:00.000-08:00

That picture is incredibly small, but it's Dave Chappelle as Tiger Woods. Just trust me. That's not the only thing I'm getting lazy on. Good luck seeing if any links work.

If you haven't heard about the Tiger Woods stuff, well I'm sure you have.

So Sunday Tiger is in some deep s#!t because he skipped out on his old lady with a gaggle of different fame whores. Who knows how many more skeezers are going to come out of the woodwork in the coming days? Who cares?

I watched the Daily Show a little while ago and they did a compilation of what I can only hope is morning news coverage on all the bullshit happening with Tiger, his wife, and his special lady friends. I hope it's morning news because no one important watches morning news - they're all busy working. Anywhore, the media is all up in arms about it. I'm sort of...blurg.

I regularly, nay, daily read celebrity gossip about who's getting weird with who, whose love is on the rocks, and who'll be the next big celebrity death. Rue McClanahan, sadly you're my best hope. My theoretical dollars are on you.

Tiger Woods cheated on his wife - big fucking deal. He's one of the biggest stars in the world; you'd do him too. That includes your dad who, as a dad, probably loves golf and so loves Tiger. Golf is all about getting away from the kids and wife for 4 to 5, 6 even, hours on the weekends - plus days off. We're talking about the guy who's Mastered the game...at least 4 times, according to WikiAnswers. (Don't come here for the fact checking, folks.) I guess I was just under the impression he gets a pass? Even if it's with your dad.

He's the most famous athlete still playing his sport worldwide, but can't people just keep things under control anymore? Lock that shit up, Tiger. For the love of Jebus, stop humping on cocktail waitresses that want to be reality television stars. They have nothing to lose. Of course, of course a waitress is going to run to the first tabloid and blab that she's giving Tiger woods. I mean...who saves 300 text messages? That's just bad business, man. Really.

Well I guess this is a victory for women everywhere though, right? Three cheers for the prenuptial infidelity clause! Elin Nordegren just got rich. If she wants to get really rich she'll do a 'Shaq's Wife' and ditch Florida to file those papers in California where you get half.

I've Seen This Show Before...

2009-10-19T20:34:00.000-07:00

It's been a while. Don't ask...

TMZ is reporting that David Hasselhoff is nearing a deal with cable channel A&E for a documentary series starring David and his two kids.

How long before Jeff VanVonderen makes a cameo on the Hoff's bathroom floor?

As recently as ten days ago, the Hoff has been (allegedly. I heard there was a mask involved. Could have been a Hoff impostor), punching out doctors and peeing the bed. I've seen the show he's going to do with A&E. It's called Intervention, and it's fucking awesome.

If you aren't familiar with this show...shame on you. It's a show that documents people with severe addiction problems and results in an intervention - long story short. If you've never seen it, skip this post. You're useless.

Imagine the ratings when Ken Seeley, Candy Finnegan and Jeff Van "They Love Ya Like Crazy" Vonderen take on David fucking Hasselhoff. Let's face it, to tame a beast like the Knight Rider, you're gunna need the Holy Trifecta of Intervening. They're going to have to bring their A game, and imagine if they do! TV's everywhere will explode! The airwaves can't handle that kind of raw intensity, not even for a minute. Mitch Buchannon doesn't go down without a fight.

My money is on Ken Seeley for the win. No offense to Jeff or Candy, but Ken has the most credibility. He has three different credentials listed in his profile, three!! He's been money lately.
He's had some tough cookie's to crack, but he did it. Kudos, sir.

Can't wait for the Hoff's episode.

Happy Friday

2009-08-21T09:10:00.000-07:00

I got this really funny email from my Mom today and thought I'd share it. I know, I know, you're probably REALLLY busy working on a Friday, but if you have a chance take a look at some of these random thoughts. It's good stuff. Enjoy!

Random Thoughts of the Day:

I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

That's enough, Nickelback.

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

There is a great need for sarcasm font.

Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the fuck was going on when I first saw it.

I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

The other night I hit a new low at an open bar. I had already hopped on highway blackout when, inevitably I had to find a bathroom. Eventually I decided it was probably on the other side of the bar so I tried to walk over there, but ran into a guy coming the other way. We played that, Both go left, Both go right game to no avail, so I finally put out my hand to guide myself past and that's is when I realized, yup, that's a mirror I just tried to walk through. And the guy on the other side is me. Even cats can re cognize their own image.

How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

Was learning cursive really necessary?

Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.

Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"

What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

I would like to officially coin the phrase 'catching the swine flu' to be used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an overweight woman. Example: "Dave caught the swine flu last night."

I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

Bad decisions make good stories

Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA. No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don't win, they are executed.

I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.

Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.

Democracy = Options

2009-08-19T06:07:00.000-07:00

Long time, no see.

If you've watched or read the news lately you've probably heard about the nutcases that are showing up to town hall meetings with loaded guns to protest the idea of the "Public Option" in the Obama Administration's attempt at health care reform.

First of all - whoa. Let's dial this down a notch.

Loaded guns?? This is about health care for people who can't afford it, not giving poor people a million dollars each. Did it ever occur to these people that they could possibly lose their jobs one day and lose their health insurance? What happens then if they do happen to lose their job, walk home from that crappy news, and get hit by a car? "Bills, Bills, Bills." That's what will happen.

Democracy, according to Gandhi, is:

"I understand democracy as something that gives the weak the same chance as the strong." Mohandas Gandhi

As citizens of this great democracy, we can not be scared to give everyone a chance to succeed. We are not a 3rd world country. This is the greatest country in the world. What kind of message does it send to other countries that here, unless you have money or health insurance (50 million of us don't), your options are to pay for the rest of your life if you need immediate health care or die?

It's up to all of us who are lucky enough to be in positions that provide us with health care to stand up for people who don't have it. We have to fight for this. This is about the future of our country and the health of its citizenry.

To me democracy is about options. If we don't have this "public option," what options do we really have? To continue to be beholden to insurance companies that will deny you for having a preexisting condition? Suck it.

Let's get the ball rolling on a public option and see how a free market really works. Give people options. Competition.

Do yourself a favor. Get off facebook and go to the website above. Add your name. Or, send me a link and I'll post a different website where you can stand up for what's right in this health care debate. Stop the fear mongering from right wing demagogues. It's about people's lives. Be a kind person today, what do you have to lose?

Reminiscing: Michael's Greatest Hits

2009-06-25T21:03:00.000-07:00

Hey world. Mood: bummed. :(

It's pretty late right now, but I can't seem to fall sleep. I keep tossing and turning. Just thinkin' about good 'ole Mike. Man, I'm really going to miss that guy. A humanitarian, patriot, and scholar the likes of which this world has never seen, and probably never will again. Forever. And ever. God's gift to music. A legend. That song with Chris Tucker? Ehh...

I think the two things Mike will be remembered for most are - first and foremost, modesty. And secondly, his adorable Any Town, USA mirror image offspring: Prince Michael Jackson I, Prince Michael Jackson II or as he was so affectionately dubbed 'Blanket' by his dear old dad, and last but not least Paris Michael Katherine Jackson.

He was such a loving father. Save for that baby over the balcony incident, but that only happened once. And it's not like he didn't try to shield Blanket from the embarrassment of recklessly throwing his pudgy little fame whoring infant legs over the balcony to try and get some press, try and make his dad look bad. See? There's a rag over his head. And look at poor Michael, he's clearly terrified! He thinks the baby is trying to jump off the balcony, he doesn't know what is going on.

Boy, I'll sure miss these moments. Classic Mike.

Farrah Fawcet Was a Murderer

2009-06-25T16:44:00.000-07:00

Farrah Fawcett also died today in Los Angeles after a long battle with cancer. She was 62.

Note to self: stay outta Los Angeles.

Again, am I supposed to feel bad about this? Are you? Well, don't. Do you know how many potential brothers and sisters were murdered in 1976 because of this photo? Millions. Wiped up with a dirty sock because this skeeze was smuggling raisins. Look at her with her feathered curls and her perfect smile....Wait...my sister was born in '76...

Farrah wasn't a sinner, she was a saint! Sure seeds were spilled and some didn't get to realize their full potential by making "the great swim," but some did! In fact, I think everyone between the ages of 29 and 33 should shed a tear for the effervescent Ms. Fawcett. You might not be around if it weren't for her.

Michael Jackson Dies, Children of the World Rejoice

2009-06-25T15:40:00.000-07:00

Michael Jackson died of cardiac arrest in Los Angeles today. He was 50 years old.

On a more positive note, the children of the world are safe again! Hooray!

Please...before you start hating, this guy was a CHILD MOLESTER. Jesus Juice, anyone? I'm reading comments people are leaving on websites and I can't believe my eyes. "Be well in heaven!"??? Heaven?? To quote Carl Lee Hailey in A Time to Kill, “Yes, they deserved to die and I hope they burn in hell!” Give me a f-in break, people. The guy did the moon walk, he didn't ACTUALLY walk on the moon. He sang songs, danced, and showed young boys how to 'beat it.'

You know who I really feel bad for? Bubbles. In 2005 Janet Jackson's ex-husband James DeBarge alleged in an interview that he saw his former brother-in-law "pleasure" Bubbles after changing his diaper (the chimps diaper, not Michael's). Now how is Bubbles supposed to get his rocks off??

I'll be the first to admit that I love Michael Jackson's music. Pick a song, any song. "Bad"? "Black or White"? "Man in the Mirror"? "Smooth Criminal"? I've done them all at karaoke and let me tell you, they bring the fucking house down - every time. Forget about it. You can not go wrong with an MJ song when you're doing karaoke. For that, I feel a little sad.

Go ahead and take a look at the picture I posted above. I'm not the monster, that freak above is. Good riddance.

UPDATE: Perfect article describing Michael Jackson. Sorry for swearing earlier. 9:52 in the pm

Crack Cab

2009-06-23T21:04:00.000-07:00

Here is Courtney Love getting out of the Crack Cab and if I'm not mistaken, she won.

I have to be honest. This is my first real post if you don't include the 'welcome.' I'm tired and I've been debating whether or not I should write about this now or wait until the morning when I'm not using a computer where the 'l' button has been completely torn off. It makes typing anything with an 'l' not only dangerous - electric shock is in the realm of possibility, more so now than before the button popped off, probably anyway - but it's highly annoying, too. So now I have to really (<-- pain in the ass word to type - BTW) pay attention to the words I type, and at the same time pick words that don't have an 'l' in them. It's a bummer.

The missing 'l' button ('L' for the visually impaired folks out there) and Courtney Love - and let me just apologize, outright, for the irreversible damage the zombie pic no doubt has done to your retinas - are an appropriate opening for the blog because I'm really trying to avoid my blog having any kind of semblance to hers (she has one, believe it or not), be it spelling errors or general bizarre nonsensical thoughts and sentences. The missing 'L' makes it difficult for me, but the persistant inability to find a vein makes it difficult for Courtney, I presume.

So as the first real post, I leave you with this:

So what? Sometimes you're missing some "L"s and sometimes you're missing some marbles. When you feel compelled to do something, why not try at it? If you're going to let a missing key tile or a little smack habit stop you from really trying at something, well then I just don't think I want you reading my blog.

Welcome

2009-06-23T07:20:00.000-07:00

I had an epiphany last night that kept me from sleeping. I really hate when my brilliant ideas get in the way of my beauty rest, but hey. It happens, right? Genius. A gift and a curse.

So here it is. My blog.

This blog is going to be about a little bit of everything. A random collection of thoughts, news, some jokes, outlandish observations, whatever I feel like really. Funny stuff happens and when it does, I'll be here to blog about it.

I know what you're thinking too, "Another blog? How original."

Personally, I find that a bit rude, but that's just me. I think I deserve an apology, quite frankly.

Go start your own blog, if you think you're so awesome. This is MY blog and it's going to kick ass!

Hold on to something, because you're about to have your world rocked.

Welcome to "I Gotta Blog About This..."