Goodbye, Arnold Jackson

Provo, Utah--Pint sized actor Gary Coleman, 42, died today after suffering an intracranial hemorrhage earlier this week. Apparently, Coleman fell down and bumped his miniature head creating big problems. He was taken off life support by his gigantic ginger wife, who's hoping to cash in on those massive Diff'rent Strokes residual royalty checks. Upon pulling the plug Coleman's wife, Shannon Price, 22, said, "Ca-CHING!"

Condolences have been pouring in from saddened fans. For example, Tim Gilligan, 38, was shocked to hear the news, "I didn't know he was still alive. That sucks." Another Coleman fan, Anne Barge, 31, tells us, "He was an angry little prick, huh? God...this is really going to ruin my f**king Memorial Day weekend. I'm going to have to hear "what'choo talkin' bout, Willis" the entire time. Thanks a lot, a**hole. You couldn't have waited to pull the plug until Monday??"

It's also being said that when Coleman fluttered up to heaven to meet Jebus, Michael Jackson was on hand to greet him saying, "S**T! I thought you were Emmanuel Lewis!"

Someone Get Chris Hansen on the Phone, STAT!

Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I just watched Twilight with a brand new set of eyes.

First of all, what the hell am I doing watching this movie (at 10:30 on a Saturday night)? I read the book, it was good...whatever, I digress...

Anyway, so I'm watching the movie and it hits me. This is not some epic tale of eternal teenage vampire love, this guy is a god damned pedophile! Edward Cullen is a sexual predator of the worst kind.

In the book Edward was born in 1901 and was turned into a vamp (that's what the cool kids call them) in 1918. I'm no mathematician, but by my calculations this sick f**k would be roughly 109 today. No matter how you do the math, this creepy old vampire is preying on a 16-year-old girl. 16!!! That is illegal and quite frankly I am appalled.

Shame on you, Stephanie Meyer. He may have the physical body of a 17-year-old, but he is anything but. He's a sinister old man creeping on high school kids that don't know any better. This guy is putting Lawrence Taylor to shame and I'm disgusted.

That being said, I can't wait for Eclipse to come out.

Quitting Smoking Sucks: A Perspective

This is exactly how I feel right now. I feel like Jack Black in "Tropic Thunder" and I need some f**cking jelly beans.

Ladies and gentlemen...I quit smoking.

Now before you go congratulating the s**t out of me (because I f**king deserve it), it's only been four days. Four long motherf**cking days. I thought the first two or three would be the worst, but I was w-r-o-n-g. It keeps getting worse. This is really hard and with every passing day, every passing moment, it's getting harder and harder.

In the beginning of the day when I wake up at the crack of noon, everything is peachy. I'm all, "Phh...this is easy peasy. I can do it." A few hours go by and then all of a sudden there isn't enough nicotine gum in the world. By the time 5:30 PM rolls by I start to understand what it's like to be one of the bums you see rooting through the garbage to find a half smoked cigarette butt. I'm not proud to admit that, but holy crap this is rough.

Ya know, this is really f**cked up. When I quit eating Cheetos because 1) the bag was empty, and 2) because Britney Spears made eating Cheetos too glamorous for the likes of me, I didn't feel the urge to strangle Chester Cheetah. If the Marlboro Man was right here, right now, I'd punch him in the f**cking face. Quitting smoking is making me feel rage course through my brain and veins. Murderous rage. WTF?!?!?!?

Add to that the fact that I picked the WRONG f-ing week to quit smoking, the week of some serious PMS (f**k off, I don't give a s**t what you think) and we've got ourselves an explosive powder keg of a situation right here. I'm liable to snap at any moment, and, often do.

WHAT THE F**K ARE YOU LOOKING AT?!?!?!?

Whoa....sorry.

Jebus, help me.

Besides lashing out at everyone around me for no particular reason whatsoever, does anyone have any other tips for quitting that make it easier? Anyone know a good lobotomist?

Quitting smoking sucks. Kids...don't put yourselves in this position.




By the FUCKING way?!?!? GOOGLE BLOGGER SUCKS ASS. NO MATTER WHAT I DO, I CAN NOT SEPARATE PARAGRAPHS. THEY ALL MUSH UP TOGETHER. THIS SHIT BETTER WORK. I GIVE UP.

"Paparazzi"

F**k you, Justin Bieber.

Joliet OTB Runs out of Beer

JOLIET, IL--Degenerate gamblers in Joliet were enraged momentarily upon learning Bookie Magee's Hideaway and OTB ran out of Busch Light, the mint julep of Joliet, mere hours before the Kentucky Derby.

On off track betting's single most important day, the news came as a total shock to Jim Bilkowski, 53, OTB regular and Busch Light enthusiast, "Out of Busch Light?? Really?! Ahh, hell, make it a Coors."

Bookie Magee's bartender/senior sanitation specialist Mark Snyder, 32, offered an explanation for the shortage of the sweet nectar, "Yeah, there was a bar fight last night. We keep the Busch Light in cooler with the closest access to the patrons for such inevitable occasions. They grab bottles of whatever's closest, smash 'em on the bar and do some stabbing. Happens 'bout twice a week, I'd say."

Also adding to the scarcity of Busch Light was former Stateville Correctional Center inmate Harvey Reynolds, 38, who was released Friday from the Joliet prison after serving 12 years for attempted murder. Immediately after being released Reynolds headed straight to his old haunt to "kick it" with his old pal "Snakes" and "score some blow."

After 17 Busch Lights, 38 minutes, and 9 failed advances toward pregnant Bookie's waitress Amber, Reynolds' behavior became increasingly erratic. According to witnesses, Reynolds and "Snakes" got into a verbal altercation that lead to fisticuffs and broken Busch Light bottles all over the fine establishment's peanut shell covered floor. Reynolds was arrested, did not pass go, and was sent right back to jail.

Bookie Magee's is not lacking in the skunky beer department says Snyder, "We've got cans of Hamm's, too. It pairs really well with our Des Plaines River Stinkfish Sandwich."

The Unemployment Chronicles

CHICAGO, IL--According to the U.S. Department of Labor Statistics March 2010 report, 10.2% of eligible workers are unemployed in the United States. We sat down with one of the recently unemployed to find out what the experience of unemployment has been so far.

South Loop resident Kate, 18 plus an entire Bush administration (W., not H.W.), was recently laid off from her job as a Program Manager from a local non-profit. We asked Kate how she felt once she heard the news.

"My first thought was 'bummer.' I'd seen it coming - the company had been steadily laying off employees since I started there, but I was pretty comfortable in my job. I didn't want to have to look for another one. It's kind of a pain in the ass," Kate confided. Having been laid off for two weeks now, she went on to say, "It could have been worse. It could be October."

Knowing there are over 10 million unemployed people looking for jobs at the moment hasn't deterred Kate much. She exudes confidence, a positive attitude, has a sweet leather jacket perfect for spring time, is remarkably witty, has a pert rack, and is incredibly modest. When asked what she'd like to do with her career now that she's laid off Kate said, "Well, that's a good question. I feel like the possibilities are endless. This is a time in my life where I can, I don't know, chase my dreams!" She continued, "I would really love to have a job where I can be funny. That's going to be a challenge though because I'm not...ya know, funny."

Her brother Shane, 28, who works at the Chicago Board of Trade, has expressed concern for his sister's future. Lauding himself as a 'funny dude,' Kate reached out to him for a few pointers. His response, "Oooohhhh...I don't know if I have time to teach you how to be funny."

Still, she is keeping her options open. "Since being laid off I've been jamming to a lot of tunes. I've gotten really good at the whistling solo in 'Me and Julio Down by the School Yard.' If I can parlay that into some kind of career, I could make some serious bank."

Other areas of expertise since being laid off may also work to her benefit. "I've been meeting a lot of people for lunch lately and, I have to say, I'm pretty good at it. 1) I've got a lot of free time on my hands. Meeting for lunch is easy. 2) I really like to eat lunch. It breaks the day up, gives me something to do...there are probably a lot of lonely people out there who have no one to go to lunch with...uhh, hello! ME!! and 3) I'm a master at pointless conversation. You ever have one of those awkward conversational silences? Not me! I've been watching a lot of TV - awesome conversation filler. All you have to say is, 'Have you seen 16 and Pregnant?? Scandalous!' Then bam, before you know it you're waxing philosophical about socioeconomic conditions and pregnancy rates among poor, uneducated southerners (like there are any other kind). Classic Kate..."

In the short term, KAte is enjoying her time off and plotting her next career move. "For now I'm just trying to stay busy. Cooking, working out, playing with my dog. It's nice." Her plans for the future include, "Just riding it out, suckin' the government teat. I don't know, I'll figure it out eventually. I've got some time."

Tito's Triumphant Return

Huntington Beach, CA--"Huntington Beach Bad Boy" Tito Ortiz, 35, made a triumphant return to mixed marshal arts today after TKO-ing retired porn star Jenna Jameson, 36, early this morning.

Marking quite possibly the first time Jameson has ever said "no," Ortiz cocked back all 205 lbs of his brawn and fury, then thrust his mighty fist into Jameson's face. Stunned and bleeding on the floor, Jameson's approximately 98 lb frame tapped out just after referees broke up the fight, signaling the first win for Ortiz since his 2006 UFC bout versus Ken Shamrock.

Jameson who, according to Ortiz, "had it coming," is the mother of a pair of twin 1-year-old boys with the UFC champ and has been nagging Ortiz constantly to "take out the trash," "flush the toilet when you're done," and "stop sitting around with your hands down your pants, then go in the kitchen and grab chips right out of the bag! How many times have I asked you, Tito? That's disgusting! Wash your f-ing hands for Christ sake!"

The fight was a culmination of months of tension on both parties as well as Jameson's inability to "LISTEN WHEN I'M F***ING TALKING TO YOU!" When asked for a quote after the legendary smack down Ortiz said, "Next time those eggs will be sunny side up, I can guarantee you that."

**Editor's Note: Tito Ortiz is a truly despicable person, and this is really not funny. What I wrote is funny (in a sick, demented way), but the real situation is disgusting and that piece of s**t should do the world a favor and kill himself. In all honesty, is this a surprise to anyone? A muscle bound (probably roided up) meat head wails on his much smaller, defenseless baby mama?? Color me f***ing shocked! I would have never guessed this was coming! Scumbag. Domestic violence is seriously wrong.**